


Help from the universe

by ShinMeiko



Series: What if multiverse [16]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:54:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24427588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShinMeiko/pseuds/ShinMeiko
Summary: When Abby asked Simon who he would like to take on a date, the last thing Bram expected was to hear his name.Bram's POV to 'Chapter 51 - What if Simon got mad at Blue's email?' in my 'what if' series.
Relationships: Bram Greenfeld/Simon Spier
Series: What if multiverse [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1373731
Comments: 24
Kudos: 184





	Help from the universe

**Author's Note:**

> See? I don't just post pictures on Tumblr, I also take time to write...
> 
> This chapter won the survey for the next What-if extension, as well as another one who should be out later this week.
> 
> It's always fun to write the other character's POV, but it doesn't really count as an extra story...  
> I still hope you like it! :D

_‘Anyway, it looks like things are working out the way you wanted them too. So, good for you.’_

It felt cathartic to write that. It felt liberating to press ‘send’. Since then, I have not stopped regretting it for a second.

Of course, I am still very bitter whenever I think back of Abby’s wide smile, Nick’s knowing look, and Simon’s blush when they talked about Cal Price asking him out. It was soul-crushing to see all my hopes getting reduced to nothingness, knowing that I had lost. Not only am I not Simon’s type, there is also another boy that already made his way under Simon’s skin. According to Abby, they are ‘adorable together’, and I am pretty sure that he is who Simon visualizes when he thinks of Blue. Which is probably is Simon bending the reality to fit what he wants because there must be things that tell him that Cal can’t be Blue. If only the fact that his parents are still together. Even I know that from the homecoming game when they came to pick him up. Game that Simon spent with Cal and not Nick. Not _me_ , but I have no grounds to think that way.

Still. That sentence, even if it soothed the pain and frustration for a couple of minutes, really doesn’t help. What do I have to gain in antagonizing Simon? Jacques has replied to that email asking me what I meant by that and I couldn’t reply.

What was I going to do? Backtrack and beg? Get even more annoyed? I don’t have any right to be annoyed. It was an honest mistake. I couldn’t have expected him to guess (even though I guessed, even though I left clues, even though he could have waited until he was sure…) and I also can’t blame him for being into Cal. Jacques and Blue never promised each other anything. It could all have been in my head.

It’s not like we started any of this with romance in mind. We were just happy to have found someone we could talk to. For a long time, Jacques was a nice addition to my days but he was nothing compared to my crush for Simon. And then when things started to shift, when I found myself thinking about Jacques more than Simon, I thought that the feeling was mutual. I know it was a stupid, naïve thought, but I could have sworn that I felt the same shift in his messages too.

And then when I was sure that Simon was Jacques, that Jacques was Simon, I just… felt like the luckiest boy in the world. Like the universe was giving me the greatest gift. Rewarding me for… collecting good karma, always trying to do the right thing, or whatever. I couldn’t comprehend the why, really. Just that reality was catching up with my dreams.

So it shouldn’t have surprised me when reality gave me a big wake-up call. Of course, I wasn’t being rewarded. What would I possibly have done to deserve such luck? The universe doesn’t care about me. The universe has bigger things to do than worry about teenagers’ love stories.

Simon likes Cal because Cal is cute, likes drama, talks to him regularly, and pushed him on chairs.

Simon doesn’t like me because he barely knows who I am given that I can’t even talk to the guy.

“No,” Garrett decides as he joins me at my locker before lunch.

“No?” I repeat, confused.

“No, you’re not allowed to brood over Spier again.”

“I’m not.”

“Wow. Your parents must feel so relieved. You’re the _worst_ liar I’ve ever met.”

“Garrett…”

“No, seriously. You’re driving me crazy. If you want Simon, then do something about it. He’s been stalling on the whole Cal thing. Maybe that’s your opening. Maybe he isn’t as into him as Abby would like to believe.”

“Garrett, I can’t. you know I can’t.”

“Fine. I’ll let it go. But then you’re not allowed to mope around about it. And you’re not allowed to say one word to me about it if Spier ends up going on that date with Price.”

“I’m not sure that’s how friendship works.”

“Of course, it is. Say one word to him, just one, even just a friendly one, and I’ll let you feel sorry for yourself for the rest of your life. Do nothing and it’s on you, and I don’t want to hear about it. The universe can’t just give you everything. You have to work for it a bit.”

“Simon, you look like you’re going to be a ray of sunshine again, today,” Leah comments over lunch. She’s right. Simon seems to be in a mood again. I don’t know if I have anything to do with it. Jacques and Blue’s emails aren’t the greatest right now. They barely exist, actually. It’simpacting my mood. Would it be possible that it’s impacting his as well?

Or am I just trying to bend reality to match my hopes again?

“I’m sorry,” Simon says and he sounds tired. It makes me want to thread my fingers through his hair and brush some of the weariness away.

But if I can’t even talk to the guy, I am _obviously_ not going to have an uninvited tender gesture toward him.

“Don’t be,” Abby replies, shooting Leah a look. “It’s probably not very fun to be you right now.” She’s right. Simon is probably not upset about Blue, he is probably upset about being outed and the way some idiots from school reacted. Simon doesn’t have time to be worried about Blue. He has enough on his plate. He might not even have noticed that we aren’t really talking at the moment. This might also be the only reason Simon hasn’t said yes to Cal yet. He is probably waiting for thins to settle down a bit. Abby doesn’t seem to get that: “You know what would change your mind?” Please, don’t say Cal Price. “A date!”

“Abby, I already told you, I’m not going out with Cal.” Simon sounds annoyed and I am ashamed to realize that it makes me happy. Could it be that Garrett is right and that Abby is the one bending reality when she sees a romance blooming between Simon and Cal?

“Okay, first, I said ‘a date’, I never specified who with. And second… why not? You two are so cute together. You definitely have chemistry.” How doesn’t she realize that she is stabbing me in the heart with every word?

“Let me tell you why not,” Simon says and it sounds clear from his tone that he expects that his answer will close the topic. Which I’m quite happy about, I don’t really want to sit through another ‘Simon and Cal look _so right together_ ’ conversation. “I am not going to go on a date with Cal because he happens to be collateral damage from my crush to someone else. Someone who doesn’t even want me. So I am not ready to date, and especially not Cal.”

Garrett shoots me a look. I heard it too. _‘Crush on someone else_ ’. It might not be Blue, but… it might, right? Hope starts to grow in my chest and Garrett decides to push, sarcastically saying: “That sounds healthy. Not going on a date because you’re hung up on a guy that won’t be your boyfriend.” He is so obviously talking to me, annoyingly peeling his stupid banana.

“See? Even Garrett thinks that you and Cal look adorable,” Abby interprets. It’s really not what he said.

“Hum… really not what I said,” Garrett counters, proving that he’s my best friend for a reason. “Look, Spier, I know we don’t know each other very well, but if someone is ghosting you or isn’t giving you what you need, maybe you should move on.” I know he’s saying that to help me, but he suddenly doesn’t really feel like my best friend anymore. “Or at least try to. Maybe you should go out with Cal. See if there is something there. You don’t have to commit to anything. Just see if there is any chemistry.”

“I…” Simon starts, looking unsettled by Garrett’s speech.

Once more, Abby intervenes. “Oh, there is chemistry there.”

“I don’t want to go out with Cal,” Simon replies and I can’t get my eyes off him. He stares back and I get lost in his moon-gray eyes for a minute. It feels like we are sharing a moment. If I could make a wish right now, I would want to know if this is all in my head, or if what I read from Simon is real.

“Fine. Who do you want to ask out, then?” Abby asks. Oh, please, God, no. Don’t put another challenger in the game. I can’t even handle one…

“Maybe he doesn’t want to ask anyone out,” Leah points out. If I were straight, I would fall in love right now. “Plus, there are like four people out in the entire school.”

“Yes, well, there might be someone in the school who is gay, or bi, but not out, and would still like to go out with Simon.” There definitely is. She turns to Simon and looks almost motherly when she says: “You know, I just want you to have a nice evening out, get your mind off that mysterious crush of yours. If something happens, great. If not, then you tried. You put yourself out there. Take some ownership back after Martin did that awful thing to you.” I… think I want that for Simon too, oddly. He deserves to catch a break, and I apparently can’t offer him that yet. Maybe ever. I shouldn’t expect him to wait for me. Not that he is waiting for me in the first place.

“You do realize that you are starting with the hypothesis that whomever I ask will say yes. I might just be rejected,” Simon replies and I understand that fear so well.

“Stop being so negative and pick someone.”

Please, don’t pick someone. I look at Simon and, with all my heart, silently beg him to not answer that. What if he says ‘Cal?’ Even worse, what if he says something else? _Someone_ else. Like… John, that even Garrett finds attractive. I can’t compete with that. I can’t compete with anyone. I need Simon to stay silent.

But I can see in his eyes the moment he decides to answer Abby’s question. There is a determination and a fire in there that tell me that I lost. Whichever name he is about to say, he feels strongly about it. It won’t be a fight I will be able to win. Not as Bram, maybe not even as Blue.

So I brace myself, ready for the name that Simon is about to share.

“Bram.”

The entire lunch table gets quiet, and I vaguely register Garrett looking at me like he can’t believe it, but I am too busy trying to remember how to breathe. Surely, we just all misheard that.

But Simon continues. “If I can’t have that guy who doesn’t want me and since we established that the chemistry with Cal isn’t strong enough for me to want to go on a date with him… then I would pick Bram.”

“Why?” The words leave my mouth almost without any input from my brain. For a second, Simon seems embarrassed. Oh, Simon, you precious thing, don’t you understand that I don’t mind? I would have given everything I own to hear you say that.

But there is no way Simon would just pick Bram… Simon barely knows Bram… So… would it be possible that Simon actually _knows_?

“I don’t know, you just overwhelm me sometimes. Little things. The fact that you would blush over a perfect score on a test. That you would laugh at me making a ridiculous comment without making me feel stupid. How I always think that you’re really funny in your head. How expressive your eyes are even when you’re quiet. And… you know… you’re good looking.”

I feel my fork leave my finger and I can’t catch it before it drops loudly on the table.

“Smooth,” Garrett comments, voicing my own thoughts.

Our friends are still quiet, staring at the two of us. They apparently can’t believe Simon’s boldness and they anxiously wait for me to react. My mind goes blank, though, and my cheeks heat up.

 _I overwhelm him_? It’s like his entire speech is saying ‘I see you too’. And that last sentence… is he telling me that I am his type just as much as Cal?

Garrett nudges me gently but firmly and that’s when I realize that I have to say something. “Hum… yeah, sure. I’ll go on a date with you.”

Simon looks surprised. Something else, too. It looks like disappointment, but it can’t be that. He’s the one who asked. Or maybe he expected this to me less anticlimactic? I don’t know. We’re all still quiet and it’s getting weird. Well… weirder.

Thankfully, Garrett is there, and he breaks the ice, saving me once more. “So… date with a soccer star. Well played, Spier. But… I was definitely next on your list, right?”

“Exactly. In my list of soccer stars, I was going to go Bram, you, Ronaldo.”

There is this voice in my head that keeps whispering ‘You’re first on Simon’s list!’ And I don’t even care which list. All the lists, actually, when you think about it. Of all the boys, he just picked me. Did that really just happen?

Garrett smiles. “Ronaldo? Let me guess. He’s the only professional soccer player you know.”

“Maybe.”

“Wait…” Abby says. “We’re so not changing the subject right now.” She’s like a hawk and she’s not going to let go. But she doesn’t look at any of them. She is suddenly staring at me. “You’re going on a date with Simon?”

“Apparently.”

“Why?”

If I were Simon, I would find her question slightly offensive. Actually, I really want to defend Simon to her, feeling somewhat protective and possessive. But I also don’t want to make a big deal out of this until we’ve figured it out. So I just ask back: “Why not?”

Abby places both hands against her mouth. She looks as excited as I feel.

“Lucky bastard,” Garrett whispers in my hear as we are leaving the cafeteria, low enough that only I can hear. Yes, that’s pretty much how I feel.

Like an idiot, I forgot my soccer equipment in my locker and I have to go grab it quickly before practice. It is more than worth it though when I close my locker and Simon is there. My heart jumps wildly in my chest when I see him. He looks a bit nervous, gently biting his lower lip, twisting his fingers. “Bram? Do you have a minute?”

I have all the time he wants. Except… I don’t, really. Not if I don’t want to be forced to run laps until I puke for being late to practice twice in one week. “Hum… sure. I mean, I have practice, but I have a few minutes.”

“It’s about… the date thing. First of all, I’m sorry for asking you out.” _Sorry?_ I don’t want him to be sorry. Why is he sorry? Is it because I have told him before that I wasn’t ready? “Everyone was staring, and I know you probably hated being in the spotlight, and… I’m sorry, I was mad, and Garrett and Abby were pushing, and you genuinely were the one person I thought of when I pictured asking someone out, and… anyway. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I don’t want to make things weird. Or weirder.”

“It’s not. Well… maybe a bit, but it’s fine.” It really is. I don’t care about being ready or not. When he asked me out, it felt like there was no need to be afraid. If just being asked on a date felt that good, then surely what comes next would be worth any hardship that might come along.

“Good,” he says, noticeably relaxing. “I’m still sorry. And Bram, thank you for saying you would come with me on that date. It was really thoughtful of you not to reject me in front of our friends after I mentioned being rejected by another guy, but… I thought about it and I don’t think I want to go on a fake date. It would be my first actual date, you know, and… well, I’d like for it to be real.”

Suddenly, I’m not so sure that Simon knows. He seems to be talking about Blue and Bram as two different people. But… why would Simon ask just Bram out? Maybe he isn’t sure and he is fishing for confirmation. “It could be,” I tell him.

“What do you mean?”

“Simon, I am happy to go out with you on a date just for support, appearances, and have a nice evening out. But I would be even happier to take you out for real. Go on a date where we have a good time, learn about each other, are both a bit nervous, and that can maybe open the door on something more…” Something clicks in Simon’s eyes, as if he just understood something. I think he gets what I am saying. “I mean… no pressure. We don’t have to, and it’s like you said, it doesn’t have to get awkward. Whether you say yes or no, it won’t change anything between us. I’m just… throwing it out there. I hope it’s not weird or too much. I just thought it could be nice.”

“No,” he replies. “I mean yes. I mean… Please let me try that again. No, it’s not weird. Or maybe a little bit, but it’s definitely not too much. And yes, I would love to turn this into a real date. It could definitely be nice.”

I can’t help but feel a bit of pride knowing that Simon said no to Cal but yes to me. That I was jealous over nothing. It makes me feel a bit ashamed for the way I have been acting as Blue lately, but it also takes all the other negative feelings away. I’m not afraid, I’m not bitter, I’m not jealous… I am happy and hopeful. I’m not used to that.

It spreads a smile on my face that it would take too much energy to hide. “It’s a date, then.”

“It is,” he agrees. “Friday?”

“Friday sounds good. Should I plan it, or do you want to?”

“How about we plan one half each?”

That sounds fun. “That sounds fun. Okay, I have to go before Coach makes me run laps. But… I’ll text you or something. Can I get your number from Nick?”

“Absolutely.”

“So. Do you want to talk about it?” Garrett asks me as we get in my car after practice.

“Talk about what?” I am thinking about my upcoming date with Simon and I am barely paying attention to Garrett, to be honest. But when I look at him and the way he stares at me, I register his question. He wants to talk exactly about what I was thinking about. “You mean Friday?”

“Is that when you’re going on your date?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“Are you nervous?”

That’s when I realize that I am. “A bit. I’ve never been on a date before. What if we don’t have anything to say to each other?”

“You guys never talk, in real life, I mean, so it’s not like you’ve used up all the conversation topics already. And if it’s boring or awkward, then you’ll know there’s no need for a second date.”

“I really want it to go well, though.”

“Like every person going on a date. Look, Bram… if it doesn’t go well, it’s sad, but it’s not the end of the world. I, however, think that it’s going to be great. Now that you two finally acknowledged that you are into each other, you can finally act on it. And that’s supposed to be the best part. Not the pining over and feeling miserable.”

“Really?” I ask, falsely surprised.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t have guessed either,” he teases. “So what are you two doing?”

“I don’t know yet. I haven’t planned my half.”

“ _Your half_?”

I just shrug. “I’m pretty sure he knows who I am. Should I just ask him if he knows?”

“It’s up to you. I personally wouldn’t. Not right away. It’s just… if he _doesn’t_ know, things might get weird. What I would do is wait until the end of the date before checking what Spier did or didn’t put together. If the date went well, then he won’t mind you asking him a silly question, or you making a big reveal. If the date didn’t go well… then I guess it doesn’t matter if you add a layer of awkwardness.”

He might have a point. Then again, maybe things will become clear on their own during the date.

Mom looks tired when she comes home from the hospital. I think she had a particularly long shift today. As a good son, I feel for her. As a selfish teenager, I hope that means I can convince her to order Thai food tonight.

“Hi, baby. How was your day?” she asks, joining me in the living room where I spread all my English books for a paper due on Monday. If I stick to my schedule, I should be done before the date and that would free my head up a little bit.

“Great. You?”

“Mine was fine, just the usual, but let’s go back for a minute. You said ‘great’.”

“So?”

“You never say ‘great’. Did something happen?”

She has her proud mom look and I think she might be thinking that I got a good grade at something, got congratulated at soccer practice, or anything else that usually puts me in a good mood. For a moment, I think about keeping this secret, but I realize that I don’t want to. Not only does she need to know that I’m going out Friday evening, I also don’t want to keep what happened to myself. Jacques had to remain a secret for obvious reasons, but I want to brag about Simon. Even if it’s still shaky grounds.

“Yes. Someone asked me on a date.”

“Really?” she says, her smile still glued to her face. “I’m guessing that it’s a boy you like.”

“How would you know that? Are you going to tell me stupid like ‘Moms always know’, or ‘you’re glowing’?”

“No. I am just a relatively smart lady and I assume that if you shared that piece of information with me, it’s because you said yes.”

“Oh. Smart. I did say yes.”

“Do you want to talk about that boy?”

I shrug, cheeks heating up slightly. “It’s just a boy from school.”

“Hmm… So you’re blushing over ‘just a boy’?” It’s the first time she gets to tease me about my love life and I think that she’s loving it. “Come on, tell me more. What’s his name, did you like him before today, or did his big statement convince you, is he on your soccer team…?”

I know what she’s thinking. “He is not on the soccer team because it’s not Garrett. There is nothing happening between me and Garrett. His name is Simon and I… might have had a crush for a while now.”

“What kind of boy is he? Is he going to treat you right?”

I almost laugh at that. “I’m sure he will. He’s perfect. He’s kind, funny, passionate, and he has these eyes…” I stop myself when I remember that I am talking to my mom and not my diary (not that I keep a diary). I clear my throat and say: “I think you’d like him.”

“I’ve seen your goofy smile. I like him already.” Her words just warm me up. I know she’s always on my side but I have never felt it more than right now. “So… when is the big date?”

“Friday night, if that’s alright.”

“Sure. Same curfew as when you’re going out with your friends, though.”

“Of course.”

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“Are you planning or is he?”

“It’s complicated.”

“Really? _That question is complicated_? That’s where you set the bar? Then I must tell you, baby, your first tax return is going to make your nose bleed…”

Friday evening, as I just finished getting ready for the date, she knocks on the bedroom door.

“Do you have a bit of time?”

“Yeah, I’m ready and I don’t have to leave for another twenty minutes.”

She sits on the bed and that worries me. The last time she did that was when she wanted to talk about my feelings regarding Little Foetus (not that she calls it that, it’s just a thing between me and Jacques).

“Baby, I think we need to talk about you and boys.”

_Oh, God, please no._

“Mom! I’m literally about to leave. Can we keep the cringy conversation for another time? Literally any other time? I’d let you wake me up at three a.m. Or even do it at school in front of my friends, but…” She has a wicked smile and I realize what I just offered. “Argh. Okay, fine.”

“I won’t make it long, I won’t make it awkward, I won’t make it unpleasant. I just want to make sure that the rules are still clear in your head now that they are just a vague theory for the future.”

“Mom, I’m going on a first date.”

“Yes. And I want to make sure that if you do something stupid, you don’t add some more stupidity on top of it. So, what is the golden rule?”

“Every Time Including Oral.”

“Good. And I want you to take this.”

My face probably reaches a million degrees when she hands me condoms.

“Mom!”

“Bram. You don’t have to use them today, I really hope that you don’t use any of them today, but now I know that you have some for… when you need it, and that spares us an awkward conversation then. I’m sure you’d rather have this now that sex isn’t a strong possibility.”

She might have a point. Then again, if I were thinking about having sex with a boy (as in truly considering it, because I otherwise quite regularly think about having sex with boys, one in particular), I wouldn’t have an awkward talk with my mom. I would just buy my own condoms. I’d rather use all the money I have than sit through another one of these.

“Oh, and please be smart. Don’t store them anywhere they would get damaged.”

“Sure.” Dad actually had that talk with me already and he gave me a small metal box that would protect the condoms from body heat and puncture. Not that it matters right now because _I am not bringing a condom to my first date with Simon_. I don’t care how stupid and hormonal teenagers can be, I know this won’t be us tonight.

I’ll already be the luckiest person alive if I score a kiss.

Simo is waiting for me in front of his house when I come to pick him up. I get it. After the conversation I just had at home, I’m not in a rush for him to meet my mom either.

He gets in the car, smiling shyly, and things are a bit awkward. This is a new set of interactions for us and we don’t really know how to act. How close or formal we should be.

“Hi,” I say and my voice comes out a bit strangled.

“Hi,” he replies. He looks cuter than ever and as nervous as me. “Do you still want to do this?” he asks.

“Absolutely. Why? Are you having second thoughts?” I reply nervously.

“No. Definitely not. But… it only occurred to me that people might talk at school.”

I shrug. “Let them.”

“Are you sure? It’s not been the best place to be…”

I realize just now that Blue never really asked Jacques about being outed and the fallout it had at school. “Has it been that bad?”

“It’s been… lonely.”

This one is on me, isn’t it? “I’m sorry. But… regardless of what happens tonight… maybe tomorrow won’t be so lonely. For either of us.”

Simon looks like this one sentence cheered him up. Satisfied, I start the car and my playlist, which is on shuffle, starts playing Elliott Smith. Clearly, that’s a sign!

“So, where are we going?” I ask Simon because I’m not going to start aimlessly driving and he is in charge of the first half.

“I’m not quite sure, actually. I’ve never been. Can I put the address in your GPS?”

I nod. “That sounds very mysterious.”

“It’s nothing super fancy… My dad helped me find the place, actually. We’re going to a Thai restaurant in town. Once a month they do this workshop thing where the chef teaches you how to cook an authentic meal and then… you get to eat it, I guess. I don’t know, I just thought it would be funnier than just grabbing food somewhere.”

I love it instantly. Mainly because it’s not something that anyone would have done on a first date, and the activity talks to the nerd in me. I am going to learn something tonight. Plus… he said Thai food and that’s enough to steal my heart, really. “It does sound fun, but… fair warning… I’m not the best cook!”

“Me neither. I guess it’s for the best that we’re taking a class, then.”

I smile and my heart swells when I see that he looks relieved and maybe a bit proud. He is the most precious thing I’ve ever seen.

Simon looks really nervous as we get in the restaurant. I don’t know if it’s about me, about the activity he chose, about having to cook… I’d really like to be able to take his hand and tell him that it’s going to be fine, that I’m happy to be here, and that he had a great idea.

But… whether he knows who I am or not, handholding is absolutely not in our list of allowed interactions yet.

I liked his idea before, but now that we’re in the middle of it, I love it. Having to cook is distracting enough that I don’t remember that I’m supposed to be nervous, but not so much that we wouldn’t be able to talk and bond. Besides, we’re not exactly bad at it, but we’re not good either and that allows us to tease each other, laugh at ourselves, and just… be in the moment, I guess.

When we realize that what we’re doing doesn’t look like what the chef has in front of him, we sort of give up a bit, but then we decide that we would cook for each other. There is something motivating, and also a bit scary, about cooking for Simon. I want to give it my best.

It’s funny how I could never talk to Simon before but, right now, even with the unlikely possibility that he doesn’t know I’m Blue and that he just picked me for me, I feel like I can entirely be myself with him. HE doesn’t mind when I’m quiet, he answers truthfully when I ask him a serious question and makes me feel safe to do the same, he laughs at my jokes, he… he just makes me feel _seen_ , and that is so new and good.

When I mention some things I can only know from Jacques, he doesn’t flinch. Like it’s expected. Like he knows I should know that.

And yet, I don’t seem to be able to ask the big question. I’m not sure why.

Simon’s food is great – almost favorite takeaway level good – and I hope that he enjoys what I made too. It would be a shame for him to be a good cook and eat something that tastes overcooked or too spicy.

But then he says: “Bram, this is delicious. Honestly. I hope what I made is fine too because I’m a bit embarrassed to be eating the best one when you made it.”

I chuckle. “Don’t worry it’s fine. More than that, it’s really good.” He seems pleased. More, even, he looks proud. “You know, I would never even have thought of a place like this,” I tell him because it’s true. It was a truly inspired idea. “But it’s a great idea. I had a lot of fun. Plus… I don’t know, it’s nice that we were doing something and we still got to bond.”

“Very. I don’t know how we had lunch together every day for years and I still know so little about you. How come that we never talked before?”

Is he trying to tell me that I was nervous for nothing? That we could have met the first time he asked? Or is he fishing for me to say something like ‘But we have, just not without screens?’ He might be like me and desperately wait for one of us to make it obvious.

“Simon, I… I need to tell you something.”

“Oh?” He seems a bit excited and he shouldn’t be. Not yet. Before enjoying the fact that Jacques and Blue found each other, I think Blue needs to apologize for the way he treated Jacques in our recent emails. I haven’t been the most supportive friends, and that’s when I wasn’t an outright jerk.

“I… I am sorry for the things I said to you. Or… wrote to you. I’ve been unfair and I know that. But I hope that tonight makes up for some of it.”

I am waiting for Simon to look annoyed or to smile, so I could know where we stand, but he does neither. He just looks confused.

“Bram… I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.”

 _Oh_. I was so sure he knew. The first thing I feel is disappointment. Is Simon really unable to think that the boy he forged a bond with online could be me? If he can picture Cal Price to be Blue, then why not me? “I thought for sure that you figured it out. That is was why you asked me out. You just really don’t want it to be me, right?”

He seems to panic a bit and that’s not what I want. It actually grounds me again and wipes the bad feelings away once more. If he doesn’t know I’m Blue, then it means…

Simon drops his fork. “Blue?”

“You really didn’t know?”

“No… I…”

Then that means… “So… you really just asked me out? As in… just Bram?”

“Yeah…”

I understand Simon wanting to step away from Blue. Again, I have not been my best self with him lately. But surely, if he was ready and willing to go on a date with another boy… Why not Cal then? If he was trying to bend reality to make Blue match to Cal, there must have been a crush there. Or… at least an attraction. _Something_. Simon and Bram… That doesn’t make sense. The only time we spoke, I only said a single word to him. As the English nerd that I am, it was to correct his vocabulary. I mean… it wasn’t for that reason, it’s just that he was so cute, using the terminology he knows on my soccer tryouts, and… I don’t know, at that moment, I really saw the appeal of a soccer audition, and… But then what did Simon saw in me that made him take a leap of faith like that in front of all our friends? What did he see in _me_ that was more appealing to him than a boy he likes and who likes him back? I mean… I know that this defines me as well, but Simon didn’t know that when he asked me out.

“And all this time, I just thought that if you knew who I was, you wouldn’t want to be with me. That there was a reason for you to never have spoken to me, to be picturing Blue as some artistic white guy, and… wait, so when you say that I overwhelm you… you didn’t mean Blue?”

He shakes his head and my heart explodes. “Don’t get me wrong, Blue does overwhelm me, but… it’s different. I was falling for Blue and I was lowkey crushing on Bram.”

He blushes and I don’t understand why. There is nothing he should be embarrassed about. He just… he just gave me everything I want, really.

My desire to take his hand is back, stronger than ever, and I almost go for it. But I still don’t know exactly where we stand, and I still don’t know if it’s allowed. “I was falling for Jacques too. And I most definitely had a crush on Simon.”

We look at each other in silence for a while. My heart is pounding. This is so much more than I was expecting. Simon wanted Blue. Simon had a crush on Bram. Simon seems to be fine with us being the same person. He still looks interested. This cannot be my life.

Blue and Jacques found Bram and Simon and they like each other without the screens.

There is something that needs to be said again, now that we are on the same page. “Simon, I’m sorry I got jealous and insecure. I’m sorry I made that stupid passive-aggressive comment. I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not, though, I…”

“Bram, it’s fine. Really. I was mad at the way you reacted. And hurt. It did sting a lot. But… Looking back at the way I reacted with my friends and how I put you on the spot like that… I don’t know… it would be very hypocritical of me to try to take the moral high ground here. Why don’t we say that it was a confusing time and that none of us reacted in the best way?”

I nod in agreement. “I can do better. I want to do better. I want to be that guy you were falling for.”

I know I can be that guy if only Simon gives me a second chance. “Me too. Should we do that? Should we try harder together?”

Simon was so brave when he asked me out. It’s my turn to be. I slide my hand on the table and take his. I can only breathe when he links his fingers through mine. I didn’t overstep. It feels as nice as I imagine. A bit better, maybe.

Then Simon frowns. “But… if you had a crush on me, surely Garrett would have known… he is your best friend… why did he ask me to ask someone out? Why would he do that to you?”

Oh, sneaky Garrett. His masterplan worked out perfectly, didn’t it? “He knew about the emails. He kept telling me to reveal myself. And then I started panicking about the Cal thing and he kept telling me to make my move before someone else. He thought, and he was probably right, that if I knew you were going to ask someone out, it would be the kick I need. Especially after hearing that Cal wasn’t as important as another boy who clearly was me. But then you asked _me_ out and… I don’t know, I thought you knew and you were calling me out on it.”

“Bram… Blue… I feel like I have Christmas and my birthday for the next ten years in just one go.” I feel my face heat up again. That seems to happen a lot with things involving Simon. “You know what I would like right now?”

“No.”

“To go on your part of the date.”

When Simon asks me where we’re going, I tell him that it’s a surprise. After that, he doesn’t ask again even if we have to drive for a while. From time to time, his hand finds mine and my stomach clenches hard every time. I love it.

I love _him_ , actually.

Which is a wonderful thing to realize.

I take Simon somewhere I know we won’t be bothered by traffic noises, light pollution, or anything like that. I used to come here to watch the stars with my Dad when we visited my grandma in Atlanta when I was younger. I know it’s a great spot. I just hope that Simon will like my idea. It isn’t as sophisticated as his.

I am about to tell him what we’re doing here when he asks: “Are you going to murder me?”

“Yes. To make sure that Cal Price can never have you.”

He smiles widely at me and I love that this isn’t a forbidden topic. Maybe we can leave all out foolishness behind already.

I get the blanket out of the car and ask him: “Do you want to lie in the grass or on the hood of the car?”

“What for?” Oh, right. He still doesn’t know what we’re doing here.

I want to keep the mystery alive a little bit longer. “You’ll see.”

“Grass,” he decides.

I put the blanket down and we lie down naturally, as if we had done it a hundred times before. We are not touching but I can feel his closeness in every nerve. It is very distracting. I almost want to ignore the show nature is about to provide for us and try kissing him instead. I’m pretty sure he’d let me.

“Look at the sky,” I whisper instead because I’m not a caveman. He looks up and I wait for him to notice what’s happening.

There is a first shooting star and I can’t think of a single wish. I have everything I wished for already. Well… maybe not yet, but I can’t just wait for the universe to do everything for me. It brought me that far. I have to fight for the rest.

I hear Simon gasp and I know he noticed. “There is a meteor shower tonight,” I tell him softly, still looking at the sky. “I know it’s not very exciting, but I thought it was romantic and that by now, we would either have called it a night or be ready to just look at the sky while talking. Is it dull?”

I turn my head to look at him and he does the same thing. It’s too dark to see the color of his eyes. I could look up at the moon, but it’s not as mesmerizing.“It’s perfect,” he says and my heart swells again.

I need to distract myself otherwise I’ll just kiss him. So I point at the sky. “Do you see that star?”

“I would say yes, but I’m not sure we’d be talking about the same one.” I try to keep my heart rate steady as I slide closer to him. Our shoulders and heads are now touching and I discover a range of feelings I never experienced before. I point again, trying to line up my hand and his eyes and he asks: “The really shiny one?”

“Yeah. Do you know it?”

“I can literally just name the moon.”

I chuckle. “It’s the evening star. It’s not even a star. It’s Venus. If you look at it again in a few minutes, it will have moved.” It seemed like a good place to start because even from our neighborhood, we can easily spot Venus. Maybe his bedroom is facing the right way and he’ll think of me when he sees it. Or maybe I’m just a goofy romantic and he won’t remember any of that after tonight.

I turn my head to look at him, trying to see if he is enjoying this or if we should do something else now that we saw a few shooting stars, but he turns his head at the same time and I am suddenly flustered by how close we are. Obviously, I _knew_ we were close, but I didn’t _realize_.

I lower my arm and it lands on Simon’s. I couldn’t even tell if I did that on purpose or not. His fingers gently tangle with mine and he shivers. I try to stop myself from thinking that, if he’s cold, I’d be more than happy to pull him even closer. If he really is cold, we’ll just get back to the car.

“Are you cold?” I ask and I can feel my lips brush against his mouth. Once more, I am taken aback by how close he is.

“No,” he replies, his lips now brushing against my mouth. I know it’s not kissing but it does send sparks all over my body. He seems to be in the same state as he adds: “There is a massive swarm of butterflies in my stomach.”

“Kaleidoscope.”

“What?”

“A group of butterflies is actually called a ‘kaleidoscope’.” What is wrong with me? When am I going to stop correcting his vocabulary? Do I want him to like me at all?

But then the most surprising thing happens. Simon tilts his head forward and our lips are touching. For real. The hand that’s not holding Simon’s flies up on its own volition and lands on his face.

I had thought about this moment a lot. My first kiss, then my first kiss with Simon. I never truly believed that it would be this perfect. The boy is right, the setting is magnificent, the evening was incredible, and the kiss is doing things to me that I thought only existed in novels.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.

When we pull back, I very badly want to kiss him again. I am about to lean in again when Simon whispers: “Show me more stars.”

I can’t keep myself from cheekily asking: “That good of a kiss, huh?” It definitely was for me.

He giggles. “Yes, actually. But I meant real stars.” Hearing him acknowledge that the kiss got to him makes me feel strong and powerful.

“Do you know any?” I ask him.

“I know Polaris.”

“Can you find it?”

He tries and he’s nearly there. I love how interested he sounds. Maybe I chose the activity well. It’s nice to share this with him. I’ve not shared this passion with anyone for a very long time. Not with my parents, not with my friends, not even with Jacques.

We look at the meteor shower for a while and I hope I’m not the only one to find the evening a bit magical. Nothing to do with the stars or the shower, it’s all about the boy and how he makes me feel. I don’t want tonight to ever end.

“Bram?” I turn my head to look at him and I am met by his lips kissing me again. This is my new favorite activity. Actually, I don’t even comprehend how I enjoyed anything else before that because it all seems really bland in comparison, now.

Simon pulls back and asks: “What are we?”

“Do you need time?” I ask him because I realize that our timelines are a bit off. “To process all of this?”

“No. Bram I was ready for Blue the first time I asked him to meet. I was ready for Bram when I asked him out. The fact that you’re both is a lot to take in, but it’s absolutely not something I want to run away from.”

I lean in to kiss him again. It seems to be the only appropriate answer. “Simon, do you want to be my boyfriend?”

The smile that spreads on his face is the only reply I need. Before he can speak, I kiss him again. I know his curfew is earlier than mine and I want to make the most of the time we have left. The stars will still be there later…

I feel like the biggest nerd on the planet when I see Simon’s face after suggesting that he should tell his parents that he might be late as we’re stuck in traffic. I think the idea might not even have crossed his mind. But he smiles and calls me ‘thoughtful’ before calling them anyway.

I can hear that a woman is on the other side of the line, probably his mother, but I can’t hear what she’s saying. Which is a shame because at some point, she turns Simon into a blushing mess and I’ve never seen anyone so eager to hang up the phone.

I really want to ask, but I don’t. I don’t know him well enough to know which topics, or blushes, can be explored without making him uncomfortable. The last thing I want is for Simon to feel embarrassed around me or, worse, because of me.

He gets a text and I see him quickly replying. There is something in the way he puts his phone away that makes me ask: “Everything okay?”

“It was Abby. She wanted to know if you are a really good friend or if you’re really gay.”

“What did you tell her?”

“That you’re really amazing.”

That makes me laugh. “She will send you twenty follow-up texts.”

“I know. I’ll call her tomorrow. I mean… if that’s fine with you.”

“To call Abby?”

“To talk to her about us.”

“Oh. That makes more sense. Well… I would hate for my boyfriend to be ashamed of me.”

“Does that mean that you will talk to Garrett about me?”

“I might not even wait until tomorrow.”

There is something waking up inside my chest that I didn’t even know was there. A feeling of pride and possessiveness. I can’t wait for Abby to know. I want her to say all the things she used to say about Cal and Simon, but about Simon and me. And this time will be different because Simon won’t defend himself, he will indulge her. I can picture it. Abby being so excited about it, Simon and I being embarrassed about the attention, but also deliriously happy when our eyes would meet…

Simon Spier is my boyfriend, he _chose me_ , and I want the world to know.

I was hoping to be able to have time for a quick chat with Simon and maybe a goodbye kiss in the car before he would have to go in, but his father is right there and it’s not like we can ignore him. It’s time to meet the parents, I guess.

I get out of the car and try to not look terrified. Nor too confident because not only am I not, I also don’t want to seem arrogant.

“Good evening, sir.”

“Hi. I’m Jack.”

I shake his hand and introduce myself. “Bram.”

“Of course. The soccer player, right?” He seems eager to let me know that he knows about me, and it does feel nice to know that Simon mentioned me.

“I’m sorry for being late,” I say.

Simon’s father looks at his watch and says: “Barely ten minutes. Don’t worry about it.”

“Still. I know first impressions are important and I didn’t plan on being the boy who made Simon miss his curfew.”

“Listen, he’s barely late _and_ he called to let us know. You’re my new favorite teenager. That includes all three of my children.” I didn’t mess up meeting his parents. That’s a relief. “Do you want to come in for a while?”

“I would love to, Sir, but my mother will not be so forgiving if I miss my curfew.”

“Another time, then.”

“Absolutely!”

Simon’s father goes back inside and Simon doesn’t follow him.

I don’t know why, but I’m nervous again, suddenly. Simon’s father, through no fault of his own, broke the spell and now the magic has faded. Will Simon still be sure about this without a cozy restaurant or shooting stars? Can I do this without the help of the universe? “So… tonight was a lot.”

“Yeah, it was great.” Simon still has magic in his eyes, and the moon-gray color takes me right back to that field.

“I hope it feels the same tomorrow.”

“Why wouldn’t it?”

“I know we’re not in a great place right now. Online, I mean. Maybe one good date is not enough to fix that.”

“Bram, stop. Yes, things have been awkward lately. But today has been perfect. I mean everything I said earlier. It took us time to find each other. It was bumpy. But it was worth it. I chose Blue. I chose Bram. I would choose the incredible combination of both every day.”

I feel warm. Like being wrapped in a blanket, drinking something hot and sweet, while watching a snowstorm through the window. That’s how Simon accepting me makes me feel.

So I forget all about his parents on the other side of the windows and I pull Simon in for the goodnight kiss we deserve.


End file.
